it begins

there comes a time in every gen x dash y's life when we have to ask ourselves, "to blog or not to blog?" It has been coming up for me for the past week. Every night I think (as I'm crawling into my empty and yet welcoming bed) "maybe I should tap-out some of the madness floating around in between my ears. maybe it will temporarily validate my existence or sooth the endulgent sting of my existentials woes." whatevs. i'm writing.

I live with an Iranian. Iran is carazy effed up right now. This is her version of my last season's Obama-thon. She is glued to the news and going to rallies and feeling hella juiced and I don't blame her, it's starburst juicy. Today she was massaging my aching hand and reminded me that no matter how sad we get that we should remember that we have the freedom to turn our lives around. that all of our bullshit is pretty self-imposed. It was helpful to remember.

So i try to empathize. what would it be like to be am Iranian pro-soccer coach...I let my players wear green to protest and then there is little chance that I will not be killed very soon by my government and there is nothing I can do about it.
I can't really empathize with it. I imagine it like a movie. I think it's total crap but it does not seem real to me. and Mahnaz says it's a good thing. that if we are lucky, I will never really be able to empathize. yes, i am lucky.

i am only 32 but I feel like I have been alive for a really freakin long time. So much information has been accumulated in my brain but it's not like my brain is getting any bigger or that I am using more space in it, am I? I mean I feel like I should be able to get a bigger harddrive up there...or get an upgraded operating system...or AT LEAST empty the trash. but fuck, it's all still in there. Is it? does anyone out there know? is my brain dumping info? I guess I can't remember it all but I still feel like it's in there, you know, influencing me. And the kicker is that the rate that I obtain new info seems to be increasing dramatically. How's a girl supposed to stay sane these days? speaking of drugs, I am on day three of a pro-sanity cleanse. no alchohol, caffeine, sleeping pills, or herb. and only minimal sugar. and yes I am meditating and exercising. i hope this works cuz it's boring-er. I'll do anything though, for a little mental stability up in here.

oh so gabriel told me about some "mind yoga" today and I'm going to try it. supposed to sit for ten minutes every day and retrain the brain patterning from your brain stem to your frontal lobe (or some shit like that) by writing down the total opposite thought to every negative thought you have. I'll let you know how that one goes...

Some days, like today, I massage naked vulnerable people for hours and hours. i like massaging most of them. sometimes they are so pretty and sometimes they are so emotional and sometimes they are hairy and sometimes they have little scrapes on them from yard work. i rub it all. I think about my middle-class white girl issues, i think about their bodies, i fantasize about drama, i focus on them completely and forget me, i glance at my iphone checking for texts, sometimes I don't think i just rub. Sometimes i'm happy.

off to do my mind yoga. goodnight moon. goodnight no one reading this.